today is filled with so many emotions for me. there is joy and pride at where i am just a year later and how hard i worked to get here. there is sadness that things got where they were and that my friends and family had to deal with any of that. there is fear that i'll ever have to feel that terrible again. there is some confusion as there are days and times i don't recall even after having the pieces filled in by several different people. there is frustration that i ever had to feel so scared and so much pain. there is thankfulness for the people who did so much to make those days as not-awful as they could have in even the smallest ways. there is wonder at what the human body can endure and come back from. there is empowerment at the way i chose to deal with things that i normally have so little control over. there is frustration that i still have struggles and that medications still aren't quite in balance. there is humble knowing that to get things completely sorted that is going to take other people, and knowing that there are still days when i have to give in and let crohn's have its way. those 27 days in the hospital, the longest of my life, started one year ago - they were the beginning of a year of change, growth, hope and so much more. crohn's is an awful thing. it's a scary thing. but i can look back at the last year and know that crohn's didn't get the best of me, it allowed me to be strong when i felt anything but. so today is going to be an 'abbe day' where i'm allowed to feel and think and process. and it's a day that i am again reminded that i am tougher than crohn's and that i have it, not the other way around.
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